You're old; give it up

Jacquelyn Mitchard considers her limits, after a half-century of experiences, for the AARP:

There are things I did at sixteen so excruciatingly embarrassing in retrospect that just thinking about them makes me cringe. George Orwell said that, at fifty, everyone has the face he deserves. I’m not sure that’s true. Still, we must all do what we can to avoid doing what we must not.
1. ParkourAccording to Webster’s, the sport involves “traversing environmental obstacles by running, climbing, or leaping rapidly and efficiently.” Still game? Then consider this: you may have to swing, vault, roll and walk on your hands and feet. You can also watch this on YouTube without hurting yourself.
2. Jell-O shotsFace it. By your age, you should know better than to subject yourself to the extreme embarrassment (and brain cell loss) of getting so drunk that you fall down. Don’t imitate today’s twenty-somethings; they’ll probably grow out of it.
3. Karaoke sfter Jell-O shotsSo, you tried the Jell-O shots? Then you’re probably more anxious to try karaoke than you would have been while sober. Go for it. Friends will drive you home. If your children witness it, they may not want to speak with you for a while, which might possibly be an advantage, depending on your perspective.
4. Trying to break a plank with your headYour grandchildren may have advanced far enough in martial arts— typically karate or tae kwon do— to pull this one off. But, unless you’re sporting a black belt, you can avoid a concussion (or worse) by sticking to yoga.
5. Crowd surfingHere’s how to do this: go to a rock concert and wear soft shoes and no jewelry, zippers, or studs (which can get caught in people’s hair). Give your wallet and phone to someone you trust, and climb up on the stage. Make sure the people you’re going to jump on have their hands raised to catch you.
6. Collecting owls made of shellsAccumulating ceramic frogs or shell owls may seem more age-appropriate than crowd surfing. However, if you’re over fifty and inclined to collect such items, every flat surface in your home is probably already decorated. Nothing says “oldster” more eloquently than a cluster of dustables.
7. Boasting about certain thingsIt’s considered tasteless to convey excitement in public about the number of stamps in your passport, zeroes in your paycheck, capital letters that accompany your name (unless they’re HRH), the number of people you could have married, the size of your acreage, or the size of anything else.
8. Explaining your role in bringing your kids up rightIf you think your children “never really got into any of that stuff”, you’re probably wrong. Chances are the kids will never tell you about “that stuff”, but sometimes ignorance is bliss. Avoid making proud claims about your parenting that could be proven wrong.
9. Explaining your role in getting your kid into an Ivy League collegeYou may very well have made it happen, but stop before you brag. Although other fiftysomethings might be impressed, soon they will be asking about your financial situation.
10. Explaining your role in the rumor that Paul was dead
Actually, this may be okay. You can amuse younger folks by relating how, in the 1960s, you pushed Beatles albums the wrong way on the turntable with the needle down on the vinyl to listen for clues. And take heart; millennial hipsters love vinyl and record players. You’ve finally lived long enough to be groovy.
11. Single-spacing your holiday letterIf your yearning to update everyone on your personal role in bringing your kids up right (and getting them into Ivy League colleges) has you considering a smaller font or a bigger page, see previous advice. Then settle for a handwritten greeting on a simple card.

Rico says that, since he didn't have kids (except second-hand), he avoids most of this...