Rico says his father (not known as a gub-lover at the best of times) forwards this supposedly-true Craig's List ad:
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah
I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend and threatened our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, thus I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan, and she had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 pistol in .45 ACP for my birthday. We had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head.
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with all that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed, since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [Which prevented you from calling, or running to, your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother, or "Momma", as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, using your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb, but only after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's up with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you, but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours.
Semper Fi,
Alex
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