Rico's rants: Sarcasm isn't pretty, but it's funny

The Associated Press has a column by Nekesa Mumbi Moody (now there's a name) about the state of celebrity in 2008:

Who would we shake our fingers at with disdain? Who would we mock? Who would we write about on our blogs during work hours? But that's the good thing about Hollywood. Just when one celebrity gets on the straight and narrow, there are plenty of others who act the fool.
On the bright side, we get more Trapped episodes: R. Kelly has made a career based on getting off. So it should really be no surprise that he got off in epic fashion after a jury acquitted him of child pornography charges, despite a video featuring a man looking strikingly like Kelly getting freaky with a young girl. While it's debatable whether justice was served, we do feel robbed of the chance to use all those R. Kelly jail remixes we had been working so hard on.
Until low ratings do we part: Given that the so-called reality show The Hills is choreographed, right down to Audrina Patridge's blank stares, should anyone be surprised that the Mexican 'wedding' between the show's two villains, Heidi and Spencer, was actually a glorified photo shoot? They said they planned to have it legalized in their home state of California later. We'll know the union is real when they do like other stars and confirm it with a People wedding spread, or their divorce papers are filed.
Speaking of reality 'relationships': Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley's marriage had more validity than 82-year-old Hugh Hefner's purported relationship with his three Playboy Bunnies, Holly Madison, Kendra Wilkinson, and Bridget Marquardt. But even fake relationships have an expiration date, and the union (can a foursome still be called that?) came to an end when Holly dumped him for Criss Angel and Wilkinson finally satiated her athlete fetish by getting engaged to an NFL player. Hefner enlisted a pair of twins to fill the void, saying there were "girls lined up at the gate" to be by his side, but no one had the heart to tell him they were actually nurses' aides.
We fell off our collective chairs when Clay Aiken revealed his stunning news -- no, not that disclosure (we knew he was gay before he did). The real surprise of the year was that Aiken had become a baby daddy with his good friend Jaymes Foster, and that Jaymes was a woman.
We waited three years for this? Really uncool: Jennifer Aniston finally hit back at saintly homewrecker Angelina Jolie, saying Jolie's comments about being transfixed by Brad Pitt while he was still married to Aniston were "really uncool", which is the kind of comment you make after someone steals your place in line, not your husband. We guess the much-sought-after catfight between Aniston and Jolie will have to wait until at least 2011, or after Jolie has her quads. Jolie's lucky she decided to tangle with a mellow Aniston -- one can only imagine the carnage had she poached the spouse of Nene from The Real Housewives of Atlanta.
No, really, we're just friends: Where have we heard that one before? From just about every celeb caught hooking up with the person who would later become their significant other (including Jolie and Pitt). That latest denial came from Alex Rodriguez, as the baseball star denied a romance with Madonna, who spent all year denying an impending split from hubby Guy Ritchie, only to break up with him and reach a tentative divorce settlement in less time than she recorded her album. It only takes four minutes to dump a spouse, we guess.
Star Jones loses more weight: at least 150 pounds worth, in the form of her husband, Al Reynolds. And it came without plastic surgery scars, unlike her last pound-shedding. Jones ditched Reynolds despite a lavish, over-the-top wedding three years earlier, an extravaganza that drew scorn because she got celebrity freebies instead of footing the bill. So it is true: you do get what you pay for.
Dysfunction junction: If Hogan Knows Best, then the world is in serious, serious trouble. The formerly tight-knit reality clan further imploded this year, as Hulk and Linda Hogan traded nasty accusations in their divorce battle, their son Nick spent several months behind bars for a crash that seriously injured his friend, Hulk started dating a woman who could be his daughter's twin, and Linda sealed her status as "Cougar of the Year" by dating a nineteen-year-old. It makes you long for a time when decency and family values mattered: bring back the Osbournes!
Comeback/trainwreck of the year: We should have known Amy Winehouse's Grammy triumph was too good to be true; after all, she celebrated her five wins while on a brief furlough from rehab. Still, she took the accelerated path to destruction with arrests, hospitalizations, fights, and more rehab: It got so bad her father told the media that she had damaged her lungs so much from smoking crack, she only had 70 percent lung capacity. An alarmed Winehouse then cut back her toking by 30 percent.
That's what happens when you take career advice from Tito: The once A-list Janet Jackson went from C-list to F-list thanks to her poor-selling Discipline CD and her tour to nowhere, Rock Witchu, which had so many canceled dates it was officially given wallflower status. Jackson declined to reschedule many of those concerts, saying it interfered with her schedule. Ummm.... Last time we checked, she had no hit, no concerts to perform, and a career in embers. What does it interfere with exactly: her side career as LaToya's assistant?
Equal opportunity, at last: It is fitting that in the year that Barack Obama made history by becoming our nation's first black president that The Real Housewives of Atlanta broke reality television show expectations by making the trashiest, most uncultured member of its cast Kim, its token white chick. After watching shows like I Love New York and Flavor of Love provide a regular forum for the denigration of black people, it was downright refreshing to watch Kim, whose weave seemed like it was made from the heads of cast-off Barbie dolls, embarrass herself on the show.
The Hollywood equivalent of moving back home: Both Britney Spears and Usher relied on parental guidance when their careers went south: Spears' dad Jamie took control of her affairs when she reached her nadir, and lo and behold, now she's on top of the pop charts and planning a nationwide tour. Meanwhile, Usher, who had fired mom Jonetta Patton, had to come crawling back after his latest album sold an eighth of his previous CD. At least she didn't put him on punishment; at least, not that we know of, anyway.
Where's Steve the Bouncer when you need him?: The only thing separating The View from its sleazy daytime counterparts these days is a paternity test and a good fist-fight, and the way Joy Behar and Elisabeth Hasselbeck have been at it lately, the later seems like it could happen any day now. We're just waiting for one of them to run off the set crying after an altercation, only to be coaxed back by a sensitive and probing Maury Povich.
Kanye outburst of the year: The temperamental rapper was put in handcuffs after getting into a scuffle with paparazzi at the Los Angeles airport. Actually, they were just former fans who targeted him after he did one-too-many blog posts in all capital letters.

Hookups and Breakups
Finding a mate in 2008: That was the theme for many celebrities as they hooked up with new partners and sealed the deal in undercover weddings. Here's a look at four notable couplings and one split we all saw coming:
Jen and John: John Mayer has dated everyone from Jessica Simpson to Jennifer Love Hewitt and this year, Jennifer Aniston's body is his wonderland. Despite Mayer's player reputation, a shockingly smitten Aniston followed Mayer on tour as his Public Groupie No. One, not trying to hide under her trusty pashmina. The musician and the movie star have been on and off since last spring; during a break, the loose-lipped Mayer blabbed to the media about how he ended their romance. And yet, she's taken him back, telling Vogue: "Love just shows up and you go, 'Oh, wow, this is going to be a hayride and a half.'"
Lindsay and Sam: After a string of go-nowhere relationships and plain bad choices, Lindsay Lohan is still going strong with disc jockey Samantha Ronson. The inseparable duo ignited an are-they-or-aren't-they media frenzy when they were photographed getting cozy at the Cannes Film Festival in May. Lohan eventually confirmed the romance in a radio interview, saying she'd been dating Ronson "a very long time". The celeb disc spinner has shown fierce loyalty to the actress as her once-bright career founders (following a trip to rehab and run-ins with the law). Tabloids report they're on the rocks, but Lohan denied breakup rumors on her MySpace blog, posting the song Happy Together to drive the point home.
Jay-Z and Beyonce: Jay-Z liked it, so he put a ring on it. The rap mogul and the singing superstar finally tied the knot after six years of unconfirmed dating in an April ceremony at his Manhattan apartment. The newlyweds tried to keep the lavish affair under wraps, but paparazzi made that impossible, catching arriving guests including Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin. Though Beyonce refuses to dish too much about her personal life, the Single Ladies singer told talk-show host Oprah Winfrey that marriage feels great, but "the most important thing is to make sure you have your own life before you're someone else's wife." Cue applause.
Mariah and Nick: Mariah Carey found love again with Nick Cannon, an actor eleven years her junior. And Mimi wasted no time when it comes to affairs of the heart: She married the Drumline star at her Bahamian estate in April after just weeks of dating. Like many celebrity couples, they shared (ahem, sold) their wedding album in People magazine, where they talked about tattooing their love for each other. Carey, who sports a 'Mrs. Cannon' tattoo on her back, has said that she and her so-called soul mate didn't consummate their relationship before tying the knot.
Madonna and Guy: The least shocking split of the year, hands down. Madonna and Guy Ritchie weren't fooling anyone when they denied rampant rumors of marital strife, thereby stoking that golden rule of celebrity gossip: Where there's smoke, there's fire. The pop star and the British filmmaker announced in October they were divorcing after nearly eight years of marriage and two children. Ever the workaholic-provocateur, Madonna has poked fun at Ritchie on her Sticky & Sweet world tour, and has been spotted with New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez. As she told The Associated Press, "It would be horrible if I was just thinking about getting a divorce and had nothing to do."

Turnarounds
Who woulda thunk it? After downward spirals, former Hollywood pariahs Britney Spears, Mickey Rourke, and Robert Downey Jr. managed to turn it around this year, and NBC's Saturday Night Live became culturally relevant again.
Mickey Rourke: The 52-year-old actor more or less peaced out from Hollywood after squandering his early potential with bad-boy behavior. But thanks to his leading role in The Wrestler, Rourke is reliving the critical acclaim of his work in films such as The Pope of Greenwich Village, Diner and Rumble Fish. Director Darren Aronofsky fought to cast Rourke against the concerns of financial backers; Aronofsky forged a comprise by settling on a lower budget of $6 million. So far, so good: Rourke is getting strong Oscar buzz, and the poignancy of his heartbreaking turn as a down-and-out celebrity wrestler itching to make a comeback isn't lost on him. As he told The Associated Press: "There were some broken pieces I didn't know how to fix that made me behave a certain way. ... I wish I knew differently, because I put myself and a lot of other people through a lot of hell that I regret."
Robert Downey Jr.: The charismatic actor went from cautionary tale to bankable movie star last summer for his performance in the Marvel Studios blockbuster Iron Man, which grossed $318.3 million domestically. He also got raves for his risk-taking role as an actor in blackface in Tropic Thunder. Like Rourke, Downey had trouble finding plum roles that exploited the depth of his talent after some personal trouble; Downey's dark path included a crippling battle with addiction that led to stints in jail and rehab. Now clean, Downey proved he could draw millions to the multiplex last summer as billionaire genius-turned-superhero Tony Stark. That's something new for Downey, who previously acted in smaller-scale movies. And he'll do it again: Marvel has tapped him to star in Iron Man 2 and The Avengers, respectively slated for 2010 and 2011.
Saturday Night Live: The NBC sketch-comedy show returned to sharp political satire this year, and the payoff was big. Dogged by dwindling ratings, SNL experienced a much-needed boost, finding inspiration in the presidential campaign and a savior in the multitalented Tina Fey. Fey's spot-on impression of Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin helped resurrect the show as appointment television for viewers who couldn't get enough of her winking send-up of the Alaskan governor. Don't rule out Amy Poehler's brilliant Hillary Rodham Clinton or Jason Sudeikis' teeth-baring Joe Biden, either. Time will tell if SNL can continue its winning streak. If the sketches are able to mine laughs from an Obama administration, then you betcha.
Cloris Leachman: The bitingly funny actress gained a new generation of fans with her crowd-pleasing run on ABC's Dancing With the Stars. At 82, she wore sparkly dance costumes, sat in judges' laps, and cussed during the live television broadcast, displaying 1,000 times more personality than beauty queen Brooke Burke, who waltzed away with the mirror-ball trophy in the finale. After her early dismissal, Leachman declared: "I'm not leaving." Here's hoping the star, who nabbed an Oscar for her supporting role in 1971's The Last Picture Show, will be here to stay.

Celebrity justice
Stargazing at Los Angeles courthouses is common, but most of the A-list celebrity justice action took place away from Hollywood in 2008. Jurors in Florida, Chicago and Las Vegas decided the fates of top celebs in criminal cases, while New York played host to the year's messiest divorce. Los Angeles wasn't completely left out, thanks in large part to Britney Spears.
Here's a recap of stars who kept attorneys flush in billable hours:
What happens in Vegas: Thirteen years after his acquittal for his wife's murder, jurors in Las Vegas pronounced judgment on O.J. Simpson: Guilty. The conviction came after authorities charged Simpson with spearheading the robbery of a sports memorabilia dealer in a Sin City hotel room. Attorneys for the former football great and occasional actor claim jurors were out to punish Simpson for his murder acquittal and plan to appeal his conviction. A teary apology during sentencing didn't change his fate. For at least the next nine years, and possibly as many as 33, Simpson will spend his days at a prison 45 miles northwest of Las Vegas, just outside the glow of that city's lights and his former fame.
An affair to remember: Former model Christie Brinkley's ten-year marriage to fourth husband Peter Cook may have ostensibly ended in 2006, but the couple's weeklong divorce trial burned hotter than a heat wave. A week's worth of testimony provided embarrassing details of Cook's affair with an eighteen-year-old woman, his porn predilections, and a psychiatrist's assessment that he was 'narcissistic'. Cook's attorney likened the trial to a public flogging and, sure enough, it ended on a theatrical note. The couple settled the case after an all-nighter, with Brinkley gaining custody of her children and some property in the Hamptons. She left court carrying a dinosaur diorama she helped one of her children prepare. Cook walked away with about $2.1 million and very little dignity.
The taxman cometh: Passenger 57 got a new identifier in '08; a federal prisoner ID number. A federal jury acquitted Wesley Snipes of tax fraud and conspiracy charges in February, but found him guilty of three counts of failing to file income tax returns. Snipes stopped paying taxes in 1999, and was convicted of failing to file returns for that year and 2000 and 2001. Government prosecutors wanted to make Snipes a poster child for why paying your taxes is essential. The Blade actor avoided more serious penalties, but a judge sentenced him to three years in federal prison after Snipes gave the government $5 million. He was also ordered to repay the costs of his prosecution. The credits haven't quite rolled on this one yet: Snipes is appealing his convictions and remains free on bail.

Celebrity shockers
A look at this year's biggest celebrity shockers:
Heath Ledger: When news broke of Heath Ledger's death at 28, the response was a collective, "You're kidding, right?" The Brokeback Mountain star died of an accidental prescription drug overdose in January, and many months later, it was still tough to fathom. The Australia-born Ledger left behind a three-year-old daughter and a bright career. He earned posthumous raves and Oscar buzz for his frightening performance as the Joker in the Batman blockbuster The Dark Knight.
Jennifer Hudson's tragedy: The Oscar-winning actress and singer had a new fiance and solo album to boot when her worst nightmare came true. In late October, Hudson's mother and brother were found shot to death in the family home on Chicago's South Side, where Hudson grew up. Adding to the heartbreak, a frantic search began for her missing seven-year-old nephew Julian, whose body was discovered days later in the back of an abandoned SUV. Hudson's estranged brother-in-law, William Balfour, was formally charged with the triple murder the first week of December.
Travis Barker/DJ AM plane crash: The punk musician and celebrity disc jockey went through hell and came out the other side. After performing in South Carolina on 19 September, they boarded a private plane bound for Los Angeles that crashed and killed the two pilots and two of their close friends. The surviving duo fled the burning wreckage; DJ AM, whose real name is Adam Goldstein, jumped through a fireball. The near-death experience left the performers emotionally scarred and badly burned, requiring weeks of treatment at various burn centers. Back in good form, the pair will reunite to headline a New Year's Eve party at a West Hollywood, California, nightclub.
Paula Abdul fan death: The American Idol judge has lived through her share of drama, but she wasn't prepared for the shocking death of Paula Goodspeed, an aspiring pop star and obsessed fan. Goodspeed, who grew up Sandra May McIntyre in her home state of Maine, was found dead in a car near Abdul's Los Angeles home. The thirty-year-old had dreamed of stardom and expressed her admiration for Abdul during a train-wreck audition on season five of Fox's Idol in which she was ridiculed for the braces on her teeth and a lack of talent. Goodspeed's family members said she struggled with depression and eating disorders as her show business dreams fell apart. Goodspeed died of a drug overdose the day before she was to have moved back home with her mother.
Bernie Mac: Sending shock waves to his fans and celebrity friends, the comic actor died on 9 August in the Chicago area from complications due to pneumonia. Mac, who starred in his own TV sitcom and numerous movies including the Ocean's 11 trilogy, did not live to see his final roles voicing the lion Zuba in Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa and starring alongside Samuel L. Jackson in Soul Men. Speaking before thousands of mourners at the 50-year-old's memorial service, Jackson said: "He never turned that kid down for an autograph. He always had time to shake a hand. He was always that kid from Chicago who wanted to make everybody happy and everybody laugh."

Trainwrecks
Surprisingly missing in action from celebrity trainwreck-itude: Britney, Lindsay and Paris. With those three behaving themselves, other stars angled for the title of Hot Mess of the Year. Here are five who made the cut:
Gary Busey at the Oscars: Nobody brings the crazy quite like Gary Busey. The actor turned the Academy Awards' red carpet into a danger zone this year when he ambushed Ryan Seacrest's interviews with Jennifer Garner and Laura Linney. He stunned Garner with an unsolicited bear hug. He horrified the unflappable Seacrest, who ended the awkward moment by politely suggesting they catch up later in the evening; yeah, right. Busey, 64, is now on the second season of VH1's Celebrity Rehab, where he tried to say he was part of the staff, until Dr. Drew Pinsky clarified that he's a patient. When you don't realize you have a problem, then you have a problem.
Heather Locklear: The 47-year-old actress has had a tough year. Locklear, who divorced Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora in 2007, checked into an Arizona rehab facility to get treatment for anxiety and depression last summer. In September, she was arrested in Montecito, California, on suspicion of driving under the influence of a controlled substance. Locklear was later charged with a misdemeanor DUI incurred by prescription drugs, and is scheduled for arraignment next month. There may be hope yet: Looking fresh in a white dress, Locklear recently joked about her troubles on NBC's Tonight show, telling host Jay Leno: "I am really looking forward to 2009."
The O'Neal Family: Oh, what a mess. What a hot mess. Actor Ryan O'Neal and his children ran into trouble with the law for a series of drug busts. O'Neal, who was arrested in February following a scuffle with son Griffin, found himself embroiled in scandal yet again in September when police discovered drugs in his Malibu, California, home during a routine parole check on Redmond O'Neal, his son with Farrah Fawcett. Father and son were arrested and released on $10,000 bail; O'Neal's lawyer denied any wrongdoing by the 67-year-old actor and asked a judge for more time to review evidence in the felony drug cases. O'Neal's daughter, Tatum O'Neal, was arrested for allegedly buying cocaine near her New York apartment last summer; she attributed the slip-up in her sobriety to a moment of weakness. In a statement of support for her father and Redmond, she said: "Addiction, if untreated, can lead to jail, institutions and death. I love them both and I am sorry to hear about this."