You can have it if you really want it

There are those of you out there (and you know who you are) who see me with Steve and say "wow, the guy's got a personal trainer; he must be rolling in it."
That would be a normal reaction, though incredibly foolish in this case.
Want a personal trainer? You can have mine. I'll even pay the relative pittance that he, and the fee for attending the fitness center, costs me every week.
The deal, however, is that, in return, you must also take on all the physical pain and the deficits (poor balance, doubled vision, hydrocephalus, etc.) that forced me to need him in the first place.
No deal? Then shut the fuck up.