Too cool for school

Eric Wilson has an article in The New York Times about high-tech clothing:

Clothes, much like everything else in modern life, are into multitasking. If you have dropped by the Uniqlo store on lower Broadway recently, you will know what I am talking about. Fluorescent lights in the windows promote something called UV Cut, and inside are blow-up posters showing the actress Charlize Theron in clothes that purport to be infused with “wearable sunscreen”.
“Filter ultraviolet rays in style,” proclaim the labels on cotton t-shirts, linen trousers and, paradoxically, thick hooded sweatshirts that have a UPF factor of fifty, effectively blocking out solar ultraviolet radiation. Upstairs in Uniqlo’s men’s department, there are “anti-odor” polo shirts and “silky dry” perspiration-wicking t-shirts that say they are “so dry and comfortable, it feels like you’re wearing nothing.”
Most of the merchandise in the store, it would seem, is now designed to address more than a basic human need. Along with the price tags, there are tags announcing all manner of attributes that suggest wonderful-sounding technical advancements in textile design. Some can be confusing, like a dress shirt that has a tag describing its “easy care” and another that bears a warning: “Fingernails, protruding items, and items such as fittings on jewelry and bags can cause snagging. Please use care.”
Not to sound like Andy Rooney here, but whatever happened to clothes that were just clothes? Now there are toning shoes, gut-reducing undergarments, parkas with drawstrings that double as earphones, and leggings that are laced with caffeine, supposedly to help slim down your thighs.
Last week, Good Morning America showed a hysterically skeptical segment on those leggings during which Becky Worley, the correspondent, held them up to her nose and said: “They don’t smell like coffee. They actually smell a little fruity.” Science did not seem to be on their side, either. Styleite, a fashion blog, followed up with a post that declared: “No, caffeine-laced legwear will not help you lose weight.” Those leggings, which cost $50, are selling like crazy.
Functional fashion has become something of a buzzword in the apparel industry in recent years, and that is partly the result of marketing aimed at keeping consumers engaged with clothing that is designed to be disposable. It is also the result of a need to justify higher prices caused by the rising cost of raw materials like cotton and wool. That is not to say the UV-protective garments, for instance, are not effective, though their potency typically lasts for only thirty washes.
You could argue that innovations are forcing clothes, like cellphones and cars, to become smarter, but then you would also have to explain the phenomena of Pajama Jeans (exactly what they sound like) and Snuggies.
“Today, fashion has a job to do,” said Heather Thomson, the founder of Yummie Tummie, a line that includes a t-shirt made with a panel of polyester and spandex to hold in your gut. “We’re busier and busier, and we need versatility in things,” Ms. Thomson said. “But there’s a lot of kitsch on the market, too. We have to be careful as consumers about what is actually good for us and what is just marketing.”
Still, it is tempting to dream of the possibilities. Personally, I’d like to see a jacket infused with an afternoon snack, or a pair of jeans that suggests clever things to say on Twitter. It is fairly evident that manufacturers are also thinking big.
At Eastern Mountain Sports, on the same block as Uniqlo, there is a polo shirt made of a polyester fabric that wicks away perspiration, dries quickly, resists odor and has a UPF factor of 30+. But here, it was the hangtag that sold me. “I’m effortlessly cool,” it says.

Rico says kitsch is fashion-industry jargon for crap...