While we're on Apple...

...this is a parody piece that Rico was compelled to do while he worked there. (For those who don't remember who Joe Bob was, click the post title to go to his site, though the latest post there is from 2007.)

Joe Bob Goes to the Valley
by Joe Bob Briggs
Last week, after seeing the competition worry themselves sicker than Cousin Sally’s dog what ate her biscuits thinkin’ they were food, I had to fire up the TransAm and drag the girlfriend (the one with the big garbonzas, if you recall from last week’s column) down to the hottest show in the Valley: The Apple That Ate Itself.
If y’all have been orbitin’ some other planet for the last while, with or without the aid of chemical stimulants, this puppy is one you just can’t miss. It received more advance publicity than a Burt Reynolds/Loni Anderson Do It to Each Other in Public movie, even though the cast didn’t know what was goin’ to happen from take to take. Seems the director and the producer were feudin’ backstage, and no one will admit who was makin’ changes in the script.
Finally, though, the producer, who used to peddle Pepsi products (the choice of the braindead generation), brought in this script doctor from France, of all places. Now, just in case you think of France as a place where, even though they all talk funny, worse’n people from Massachusetts, you can get some decent food and wine, remember this: in France, there are no drive-in theatres. Without eternal vigilance, it could happen here.
The French guy, who’s pretty funny for someone who speaks English as a Second Language, dropped the bomb last week: they were lookin’ to end the split between the Two family and the Macintosh family. Now, this is worse than mergin’ the Montagues and the Capulets. About on the order of mushin’ together the Democrats and the Republicans.
It’s gonna be an action-packed film. Thrill to the Charge of the Nerds. Scream as they eviscerate the Marketing Departments. Watch entire Herman Miller complexes vanish in Requisition Wars.
No breasts, no anything-fu, no car chases, but one high-level emasculation. Joe Bob says check it out.