Rico says his friend Kelley forwarded this Huffington Post article by James Schlarmann with the same questions that Rico has, but it smacks of a spoof, however, especially given the caveat at the beginning of "More fake news daily at The Political Garbage Chute" and the location (Lake Desperation, Florida), along with the dubious 'U-Abort It™ rifle accessories'... (and, while there is a Liberty Firearms, they're a long way from wherever Lake Desperation is...)
In April of this year, 28-year-old nurse and Florida resident Jane Sampson was raped while walking home after working a late shift at St. Mary’s Hospital. To her utter shock and dismay, when Jane missed her period in May, she took a pregnancy test and found out she was carrying her rapist’s child. Without any hesitation, she headed to the Planned Parenthood in her city, only to be told that, in Florida, she had to wait 24 hours to have the pregnancy, only brought about by her rape, terminated.
“I was so angry and sad,” Sampson told our reporter via Skype, “because I had already been horribly violated and traumatized. Then, a month after I was raped I find out I’m pregnant with that scumbag’s seed? I wanted it out of me right then and there. And in America an abortion is my constitutional right; it has been for decades. But not in red-ass Florida.”
So, Sampson says, she did some quick research online and found that not even traveling to one of Florida’s closest neighboring states would let her, as a rape victim, immediately terminate the pregnancy. That’s when Sampson says she stumbled upon a fact that she said “completely changed everything”. In Florida, while rape victims have to wait a full day to get an abortion, anyone can buy an AR-15 semi-automatic rifle with absolutely no waiting period whatsoever. “Once I found out that I had more rights to a firearm than I did to control my own biological functions,” Sampson told us, “I knew exactly what I had to do. So I went down to Liberty Gun and Ammo and bought myself a Bushmaster AR-15. I was going to end this pregnancy one way or another.”
Given that the AR-15 is a high-powered rifle, Sampson knew it would take some modification to use in her own abortion. Luckily for Jane, Bushmaster has a special line of U-Abort It™ rifle accessories that can be added to the AR-15, allowing it to be used with surgical precision. “It turns out, my state isn’t the only one that sees zero irony in making weapons of wanton death and destruction easy to get while making a safe and legal, constitutionally-protected medical service as hard to have performed as possible,” Jane told us, “so Bushmaster developed a whole product line for red state women like me who still want to have control over our own reproduction, silly us.”
Once the abortion was complete, Sampson says she had no more use for the gun. Fortunately for her, being a resident in Florida, she could take her AR-15 to any one of the fifty state gun orphanages that Governor Rick Scott had created during his first term. The gun orphanages match up lost, abandoned, or surrendered firearms to homes that, according to the official state charter for the orphanages “display good, clean, ammo-hoarding patriotism.”
“There really aren’t that many experiences in life that are worse than being raped,” Sampson said, “except maybe finding out you’re pregnant from the rape. But, luckily for me, even though my state doesn’t value my life enough to let me decide to instantly terminate my attacker’s pregnancy, they gave me an option to take matters into my own hands, I guess.”
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