Things you'll never hear on a plane

AARP.org has an article by Kelsy Chauvin of Frommer's, about what stewardesses (sorry, flight attendants) will never say:

There's no doubt that being a flight attendant requires more patience than most jobs. Imagine coping with hundreds of passengers at a time, each one convinced that his or her needs are the most important. Demands can be wacky, unreasonable or outrageous, while the smallest of slights (or perceived slights) can spark fiery tantrums. Amid all the craziness, flight attendants serve as calm mediators with the forbearance of saints. Most of the time, anyway.
Remember the famous incident on that Pittsburgh-to-New York City JetBlue flight back in 2010? As the plane was pulling into its terminal, flight attendant Steven Slater claimed that a belligerent passenger hit him with her suitcase while pulling it prematurely from the overhead bin. Slater snapped, announcing over the PA system: "I've been in this business 28 years, and I've had it!" Then he grabbed two beers, exited via the emergency-evacuation slide and was soon taken into custody.
Sometimes, even the most professional and courteous flight attendant can barely bite his or her own tongue. We asked two veterans to share the things they'd love to tell passengers… if only they could.

1. "Your shoes are so cute, but they would smell better on your feet."
Tracy Christoph, a seasoned, Boston-based JetBlue flight attendant and travel blogger, notes that an airplane is no place for olfactory assaults.
2. "We love your child, but would appreciate if he didn't use the flight-attendant call button to compose the next great symphony."Before you take a nap and let Junior play freely, remember that someone like Christoph has to deal with the noise.
3. "You know, you do have the opportunity to select your seat in advance." Not all airlines allow passengers to choose their seats before flights, but many do. A flight attendant who began her career 25 years ago with Pan Am and wants to remain anonymous (we'll call her Pam) is baffled when tall people stuck in the middle seat beg for an aisle only after they're on the packed airplane.
4. "We know our comfy leather seats and individual TVs make you feel like you're on your couch, but we have some great hotel partners for those more intimate moments with your loved one."
Sure, travel is romantic, but there are far better— and more private— places for getting frisky.
5. "Why are you asking me that now?"It might be a request for a drink two minutes before takeoff, or for the vegetarian option during meal service, but attendants get frustrated when passengers have bad timing or resist planning ahead.
6. "You can't fit a ten-pound bologna in a five-pound bag. Let me gate-check that for you." It never fails: someone's always trying to slip a little more luggage onto the plane.
7. "What was it like, being raised by wolves?"
Pam says her parents always taught her to make requests with a "please" and respond with a "thank you." But for some reason, too many passengers seem to check their manners at the gate.
8. "Compassion goes a long way."All too often, a childless passenger ends up seated next to a parent with an upset, fidgety baby on a fully booked airplane. When Pam hears "Can't somebody shut that kid up?", she often wants to hand the child to the complainer and relocate the parent to first class with a tray full of drinks.
9. "So you're mad because someone's asked you to do your job?"
Pam admits that sometimes it's her fellow flight attendants who frustrate her, returning in a huff to the galley to complain about having to serve someone yet another Coke.
10. "I'll be right back." Okay, this one is rarely spoken out loud. But Pam says this is a flight attendant code phrase for something a little more, let's say, expressive— usually in response to an overly demanding, absurd, or downright rude passenger request.

They also have an article by Christine Delsol, also of Frommer's, about getting banned:

We're all aware of the very reasonable Federal Aviation Administration no-nos that prohibit weapons, smoking, and "interference" with airline personnel. But the airlines have their own rules, too. Some are less than obvious or a bit vague, and all are open to interpretation by and enforceable at the discretion of the crew. Let's count the things that might get you banned from boarding, or booted from a flight before takeoff:

1. Smelling like a locker roomBuying a ticket contractually obligates you to refrain from boarding in "a malodorous condition". If you run out of time for a shower before your flight, at least take a sponge bath, just to be safe.
2. Bringing your germs onboardIf you appear seriously ill— especially with a condition that seems contagious— and can't produce a doctor's written permission to travel, you may not be allowed to fly.
3. Dressing inappropriatelyRevealing clothing— including baggy pants hanging south of the undershorts— and t-shirts broadcasting lewd sayings or inflammatory political slogans have gotten passengers ousted.
4. Swearing like a longshoremanNumerous conflicts during boarding that could have been resolved quickly ended instead with passengers being escorted off the plane when the fray escalated into a volley of foul epithets.
5. Showing up over-lubricatedA wee dram might relieve travel stress, but just appearing to be intoxicated is grounds for ejection. Even if you're well below the legal limit, be sure your conduct is unassailable when you have alcohol on your breath.
6. Public displays of affectionThanks to crowded flights with cramped seats, very little goes unnoticed by your fellow passengers on an airplane. So you're better off saving any overtly enthusiastic displays of affection for your hotel room.
7. Raising a ruckusYour grandson's tantrum might not be your fault, but if you can't settle him down while waiting for takeoff, it's the airline's prerogative to take you off the plane. And if you yourself are a noisemaker— or worse, your behavior crosses the line from mildly assertive to rather aggressive— you're gone.
8. Taking off your shoesWell, okay, you can be shoeless on the plane, though stinky feet might elicit complaints from those around you. But you need to keep your socks on. Barefoot passengers are technically verboten under most major U.S. airlines' regulations.
9. Holding up takeoffPreflight announcements cover some of the misdeeds that can end your trip before it begins: refusing to turn off electronic toys, blocking emergency exits ,or not fastening seat belts.
10. Wild card behaviorsNews reports of passengers who have been ousted include some head-scratchers, including two men who allegedly pressed their noses against a female stranger's neck to sniff her perfume. The upshot? Airlines have the final say on who gets kicked off, whether it's because of "the risk of harm or damage" or the "risk of offense or annoyance".

Rico says that stupidity is involved in all of this, and there's plenty of that on airplanes...