The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Collaborate and Surrender. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya as well, and have therefore raised their security level from Miffed to Peeved. Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again, to Irritated or even A Bit Cross. The English have not been A Bit Cross since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from Tiresome to A Bloody Nuisance. The last time the British issued a Bloody Nuisance warning level was in 1588, when it was threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from Pissed Off to Get the Bastards. As they don't have any other levels, this is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last three hundred years.
Italy has increased the alert level from Shout Loudly and Excitedly to Elaborate Military Posturing. Two more levels remain: Ineffective Combat Operations and Change Sides.
The Germans have increased their alert state from Disdainful Arrogance to Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs. They also have two higher levels: Invade a Neighbor and Lose.
The Belgians are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from No worries to She'll be alright, Mate. Two more escalation levels remain: Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend! and The barbie is canceled. So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
John Cleese is a British writer, actor, and tall person
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