22 March 2008

No, no, this is the best Irish joke

It's a historical joke, told to me in a pub in Dublin by the president of the government workers' union one drunken evening, back before the fall of the Soviet Union:

The telephone rings in the Kremlin, and the general in charge picks up the phone. "Da?"
"Hello, sorry to bother you at this hour, but this is Irish Defense Forces calling."
"Yes, what can I do for you?"
"Well, fair warning, I'm just calling to tell you that we're going to invade in the morning."
"Invade?" The general is incredulous. "You are going to invade Russia?"
"Yes, in the morning, as I say."
"Please to forgive me, but how many aircraft will you be using to invade my country?"
"Three."
"Three?"
"Yes, three, if we can get the big one off the ground. Otherwise just the two, you see."
"I see." The general sighed. "I must tell you, we will have over a thousand aeroplanes to defend Mother Russia."
"That's quite alright. We'll be along in the morning."
"And how many submarines will you be using to invade my country?"
"Just the one, assuming we can get it out of drydock tonight."
"Really? Well, I must tell you, we will have dozens of anti-submarine vessels and hunter-killer submarines out looking for your craft."
"Indeed? That's a lot. But we'll be on our way in the morning, just the same."
"Finally, please, do tell me how many troops you have committed to invading my country?"
"Assuming we can get the pubs closed early, I think we can muster enough paratroopers to fill all the available aircraft, and we'll be along in the morning."
"So. But it is only fair to tell you that we will have a million, perhaps two millions, of troops awaiting your invasion force."
"Really? Two million?"
"Yes. Two millions."
"Can you hold the phone a minute?"
There is a long wait, and then finally a breathless Irishman comes back on:
"Sorry to have bothered you. Never mind. Forget I ever called." He sighed. "We can't possibly deal with two million prisoners of war."

Rico says now that's an Irish joke...

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