Non-Rico rant for the day

Rico's friend Don, an ex-printer from the old days in California, writes about politics:

Sanitarium Denounces Republican OpponentsRick Sanitarium belittled his challengers today, as he claimed the mantle of the only true conservative in the 2016 GOP presidential race. Addressing a dozen fundamentalist Christian Republicans in Iowa, Sanitarium poked fun at what he called “the idiot midgets and wannabe presidents”.
He called Jeb Bush a crybaby; referred to Mitt Romney as Mitt the Twit; said Ted Cruz was cruisin’ for a brusin’; lambasted Chris Christie for being a fat rich-boy bully; called Ben Carson “a fool with a stethoscope”; and claimed Bobby Jindal would have to get rid of his tan to run for president. He advised Mike Huckabee “to keep shuckin’ his diet books,” rather than run for president, urged Sarah Palin to get a life, and suggested Marco Rubio would be more successful chasing Palin than the presidency.
 “There are four dozen of these idiots running for president,” Sanitarium said at the annual Lollypoop Pre-Kindergarten picnic held in Wayward, Iowa. “They claim to be conservative, but they’re a bunch of liberal half-wits. I was born conservative and haven’t wavered a mile since.”
 At one point, Sanatorium focused attention on Senator Rand Paul, who was elected “because he was born with a silver spoon stuck you know where.” Paul’s only claim to fame was “having a father who got drunk and slept with a washed-up psycho-atheist-anarchist called Ayn Rand.” Idly, he wondered if “Ayn Rand might be Rand’s mother.”
Questioned about his positive agenda, Sanitarium replied that he resolutely opposed Common Chores, and would cut taxes, replace Obama’s Dream Act with a Nightmare Act for Mexicans, cut taxes more, and ensure that every American has a right to a low wage job and going without healthcare.
“I’m a true conservative who voted against every tax increase since before I was born,” said Sanitarium. “Let poor people pay the taxes. I hate taxes and fees masquerading as taxes. In college, I voted against student fees, parking fees, and library fees. I voted against PTA dues, Little League fees, and once stole a newspaper. In Congress, I voted against ten thousand tax increases and voted to cut taxes a hundred thousand times.”
Asked why he ridiculed his opponents so harshly, Sanitarium called them “a bunch of bomb-throwing terrorists, or else closet Muslims.” He conceded that some of his opponents are elegant speakers, but asked, “Do Republicans really want a coherent candidate when we haven’t had one in our party forever? Take Huckabee, “ Sanitarium said. “He talks a good line, but he once claimed the earth was round. Can you believe giving science that much credit? Huckabee isn’t even a scientist! Like a real conservative, I don’t know anything about science.”
Although he hasn’t actually declared his candidacy, Sanitarium said he would make up his mind sometime, maybe soon, maybe later. The only reason he might decide not to run would be if evidence of his role in fostering illegitimate children, torturing opponents, or taking bribes were revealed to the public.

Rico says that 'fundamentalist Christian Republicans' is a triple redundancy... (And, yes, that's Rick Santorum he's talking about.)