The Navy, then and now

Rico says his father, a graduate of the Naval Academy, sends this:

If you smoked, you had an ashtray on your desk. If you smoke, you get sent outside and treated like a leper, if you're lucky. Mail took weeks to come to the ship. If the ship is near land, there's a mob topside to see if their cell phones work. If you left the ship it was in Blues or Whites, even in home port. The only time you wear Blues or Whites is for ceremonies. You wore bell bottoms everywhere on the ship. Bell Bottoms are gone and 14 yr-old girls wear them everywhere. You wore a Dixie cup all day, with every uniform. It's not required and you have a choice of different hats. Say "DAMN," people knew you were annoyed and avoided you. Say "DAMN," you'd better be talking about a hydro electric plant. The Ships Office yeoman had a typewriter on his desk for doing daily reports. Everyone has a computer with Internet access and they wonder why no work is getting done. We painted pictures of pretty girls on airplanes to remind us of home. We put the real thing in the cockpit. Your girlfriend was at home, praying you would return alive. She is on the same ship, praying your condom worked. If you got drunk off duty, your buddies would take you back to the ship so you could sleep it off. If you get drunk off duty, they slap you in rehab and ruin your career. Canteens were made out of steel and you could heat coffee or hot Chocolate in them. Canteens are made of plastic, you can't heat them because they'll melt, and anything inside always tastes like plastic. Our top officers were professional sailors first. They commanded respect. Our top officers are politicians first. They beg not to be given a wedgie. They collected enemy intelligence and analyzed it. They collect our pee and analyze it. If you didn't act right, they'd put you on extra duty until you straightened up. If you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows you forever. Medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own. Medals are awarded to people who show up for work most of the time. You slept in a barracks, like a soldier. You sleep in a dormitory, like a college kid. You ate in a Mess Hall or Galley. It was free and you could have all the food you wanted. You eat in a Dining Facility. Every slice of bread or pat of butter costs, and you can only have one. If you wanted to relax, you went to the Rec Center , played pool, smoked and drank beer. You go to the Community Center and can still play pool, maybe. If you wanted a quarter beer and conversation, you could go to the Chief's or Officers' Club. The beer will cost you three dollars and someone is watching to see how much you drink. The Exchange had bargains for sailors who didn't make much money. You can get better merchandise and cheaper at Wal-Mart. If an Admiral wanted to make a presentation, he scribbled down some notes and a YN spent an hour preparing a bunch of charts. The Admiral has his entire staff spending days preparing a Power Point Presentation. We called the enemy things like "Commie Bastards" and "Reds" because we didn't like them. We call the enemy things like "Opposing Forces" and "Aggressors or Insurgents" so we won't offend them. We declared victory when the enemy was dead and all his things were broken. We declare victory when the enemy says he is sorry and won't do it again. A commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people. A commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.

Thank God I was in the Old Navy, and proud of it.