Rooney, not

Rico says his friend Tex sends along what purports to be (but probably isn't, alas) Andy Rooney's commentary on sex:

1. When I was born, I was given a choice, a big pecker or a good memory... I don't remember which I chose. 

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. 

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects. 

4. Impotence is Nature's way of saying: "No hard feelings..." 

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men, 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together. 

6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth. 

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly. 

8. Virginity can be cured. 

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity. 

10. Having sex is like playing bridge: if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand. 

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small. 

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy. 

13. What's an Australian kiss? The same thing as a French kiss, only down under. 

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing. 

15. What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life? Life sucks, the job sucks, and the wife doesn't. 

16. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. 

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!