Newfangled doctor

Rico says, courtesy of his father, this splendid joke (and, if you don't know what Costco is, look it up here):

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to his friend Mike behind him: "My elbow hurts like hell. Guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars; a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So,Joe deposited a urine sample in a small jar and took it to Costco. He deposited ten dollars and the computer lit up and asked for the urine sample. He poured the sample into the slot and waited.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejected a printout:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco.

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled, ao he mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and his daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurried back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results. The computer printed the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Costco!