Zombies, indeed

Gail Collins has her usual cogent comments in an Op-Ed piece in The New York Times:

Rand Paul, the most famous of the Tea Party-backed Republican Senate nominees, is a small, curly-haired man with cheeks like a chipmunk. He speaks in a tone of extreme reason that nevertheless suggests he is way smarter than anybody else in the room. In a teen horror movie, he would be the kid who invents the potion that turns the sophomore class into zombies. Jack Conway, his Democratic opponent, would be the handsome football quarterback. The football quarterback who is not the hero of the film but, rather, the first person to have his brain eaten. The hero would be played by Zac Efron, who would never be caught dead in the Senate. “I’m always going to put Kentucky first,” Conway, the state attorney general, told the Kentucky Farm Bureau in a candidate forum this week. He said this so often it appeared to be a verbal tic.
Paul kept reminding the audience that, as a Democrat, Conway would vote for Harry Reid to be the Senate majority leader. Eventually, the forum degenerated into a contest over whether Paul could mention Reid more times than Conway could promise to put Kentucky first.
The Republican edged into the lead. When the candidates were invited to give brief closing summations, Conway only shoehorned in three vows to put Kentucky at the tiptop of his priority list, while Paul got in four Harry Reids plus one “Harry leader”, with a “Nancy Pelosi” thrown in for good measure.
The two are running to replace the retiring Senator Jim Bunning, who we all remember from the glorious time he got caught using a teleprompter in a debate. The race is getting unusual attention this year, because it’s one of a handful that will decide whether the Tea Party phenomenon will cost the Republicans seats they might otherwise have won, or simply make the 2011 Senate really, really loopy.
Paul is a socially conservative libertarian like his father, Representative Ron Paul of Texas. Rand Paul is against allowing a pregnant woman to choose abortion or a gay couple to choose marriage. But ask him about almost anything else— from the minimum wage to illegal traffic in prescription drugs— and his answer will be a harangue about the federal government.
Mitch McConnell, the Senate minority leader and the state’s most prominent politician, labored mightily to get the Senate nomination for a run-of-the-mill Republican: Secretary of State Trey Grayson, a young, large, stolid guy who wanted nothing more than to spend the fall promising to put Kentucky first. But Paul won, and he is currently ahead of Conway in the polls.
However, nobody is paying much attention. In Kentucky, the political season traditionally begins next month at the Fancy Farm picnic. This is a gathering where, in 1982, Kentuckians consumed a historic 15,000 pounds of mutton, pork, and chicken, thus cementing a Guinness World’s Largest Picnic citation. It is also where, in 2009, Conway responded to hecklers by bragging that he was “one tough son of a bitch”. And where, in 2010, organizers have announced a new rule banning all profanity.
If you happen to live in Kentucky, Conway’s message to you is that he is going to put the state you-know-where. If you do not live in Kentucky, and you are an Obama Democrat, the message is that he is planning to drive you crazy. When asked about the Bush tax cuts, he vaguely suggested that Congress “extend them some period of time”.
On the administration’s attempts to reduce global warming/carbon emissions, Conway is opposed since it doesn’t “put Kentucky coal first”. Thanks to the state’s local soft coal supply, he reminded farmers, Kentucky now has “the lowest electricity rates east of the Rocky Mountains”, and he is not planning on letting that change just to accommodate a few drowning polar bears.
Rand Paul’s obsession is slashing the federal deficit (which he calls “our national nightmare”). Most of the voters who will be deciding the race would probably like to slash the deficit while also putting Kentucky first, but good luck on that one. Kentucky has more than its fair share of poor people, who are dependent on federal programs like food stamps, school lunches, and Medicaid. At a postforum press conference, a local reporter noted that the state sends less money to Washington than it gets back and asked Paul if he wanted to “sacrifice our take.”
“I don’t think anything coming from the federal government is a net-plus,” he replied.
You have to give this to Rand Paul. It’s generally clear where his heart lies, even if he was a little weaselly on his well-established opposition to farm subsidies when addressing a roomful of farmers.
On that point, I would like to say: Go for it, Rand Paul! Not sure we urbanites share your antipathy toward the minimum-wage laws, but when it comes to crop supports, we’re there for you.

Rico says he bets that if global warming produced a few drowning Republicans, rather than a few drowning polar bears, their attitude would be different...