Another splendid blog

Rico says that Waiter Rant is always worth reading, but every once in awhile he surpasses even himself. This post, Café de Liquidation, is one such:

We make all your problems disappear, deliciously.

Lè Menu
Primi
* Threatening phone calls delivered with a flavoring of subtle menace   20.
* Threatening phone calls delivered with powerful overtones of menace   25.
* Line-caught Chilean Sea Bass wrapped in newspaper and delivered to the doorstep of lè problem   50.
* Breaking the window of lè problem with a bottle of Bacardi Reserve 150 Proof Rum stuffed with flaming fine linen   60.
* Wound infliction with a French sea salt rub   70.
* Fracturer dè Phalange   40. @ digit, two digit minimum
* Fracturer dè Jambe   100. @
* Flambé dè Automobile   400.
* Baked head of equus with rosemary rub deposited in the boudoir of lè problem   Seasonal pricing.

Secondi
* Es œufs avec du cyanide   500.
* Bludgeon dè Tete   525.
* Étranglement du Homme (piano wire extra)   600.
* Poignarder avec un couteau (with extra long blade)   700.
* Flambé du Homme en kerosene   900.
* Poison dart with fugu fish toxin   1000.
* Mort de Balistique de .22 caliber   1200.
* Mort de Balistique de 7.65 millimeter   1300.
* Mort de Balistique de 9 millimeter Luger   1400.
* Mort de Balistique de .45 ACP   1500.
* Mort de Balistique (High Powered Rifle)   3000.
* Lè Bombe!

TNT   4000.
C-4   5500.
Torpex   6000.
Octol   7000.
Chemical   8000.
Biologique    10,0000.
Atomique   250,000,000.

* Mort du naturel. (The chef will be happy to make it look like a stroke, myocardial infarction, or severely impacted colon.)   20,000.
* Mort du Accident (Your choice of car accident, drowning, or sexual auto-asphyxiation gone horribly wrong.)   25,000.
* Mort én Circumstances à embarrass. (Post-mortem photograph with tranny hooker included.)   30,000.
* Lè Jimmy Hoffa.   40,000. (Lè problem will simply disappear. Your choice of concrete bath, wood chipper, or acid.)
* Lè permanent exile to New Jersey (Fatal to most Manhattanites)   Free

Delivery available. We take Visa, MasterCard, JCB, Diner’s Club, Discover, sexual favors, cash, and American Express
A 20% gratuity will be added for murders of six or more people.