And let that be a lesson to you, you fuck

Courtesy of my friend Kelley, this ad, purportedly posted on CraigsList:

To the guy who tried to mug me in downtown Savannah night before last
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled a knife on my girlfriend and me, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.
I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.
Obviously you'll agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?
I know it probably wasn't much fun walking back to wherever you'd come from barefoot, since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me, which prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again.
After I called your mother, or Momma, as you had her listed in your cell phone, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went to the gas station and filled up my gas tank, as well as those of four other people, using your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons, and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy, along with all the cash in your wallet. That made his day!
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimpmobile" that was parked at the curb, but only after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's up with that?
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls, one to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you, but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these immediate issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen.
Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a nice day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex