Not the opiate of the people

Had a 'discussion' with the ladyfriend tonight over my disparagement (loudly and repeatedly while watching a news program showing the Baptist convention in Philadelphia; the African-American Baptists, not the Jimmy Carter Baptists) of religion.
Since she's a lapsed Catholic, I'm not sure why this torques her so, but it does. And what about my professed adherence to Zen Buddhism, she asked me. How can I claim to be one and yet be so nasty about other people's religions?
Well, first off, I tried haltingly to explain, Zen Buddhism isn't really a religion, but a philosophical structure.
And all those other guys, well, they have some serious belief structures going that I don't happen to agree with.
Didn't cut it.
I'm not to disparage other people's religious beliefs.
Right.
Remember that Buddha was an Indian prince named Siddhartha Gautama, born in about 563BC in what is now Nepal, who renounced his privileges and took up a life of poverty and teaching. The fact that his teachings caught on much more in China (and, later, in Japan, where it took on the Zen spin that I like), rather than in India, is but one of those little quirks of history. (While Hinduism doesn't require you to renounce wealth and position, though you can if you want, and actually promotes displays of wealth, it ended up being a lot more interesting to the teeming millions of poor people in India.) But he's not like that Jewish guy born in Year One in Jerusalem, or that Arab guy born in 570AD in Mecca. Buddha emphasized that he was not a god nor the messenger of a god, and that Enlightenment was not the result of a supernatural process or agency, but rather the result of a close attention to the nature of the human mind which could be rediscovered by anyone for themselves. His last words are purported to be "Strive on with diligence.". That's what I'm going to do with the rest of my life, now that I've been given a second chance at it.
Just in case you want to try and understand the difference between my man Buddha and those other guys, imagine any religious icon of your choice in this story from http://tricycleblog.blogspot.com/ (but note the date of the purported interview):

Scranton, PA.
This reporter was granted a rare five minute interview with Shakyamuni Buddha today, April 1, when the Buddha unexpectedly turned up at the T.G.I. Friday's Restaurant off of Route 6. "Sure, why not, we can talk for a minute while my buddy's using the bathroom," he said, gesturing to the empty seat across from him. He offered some chicken wings. "No, that's a misunderstanding," he said in reply to a question about his alleged vegetarianism. "My assistant, Ananda, wrote that part down wrong a couple of times. I've got a real secretary now to make sure we don't have those kind of mistakes. Ananda was a great guy, don't get me wrong--terrific memory and all that. Bad hearing though. And let me clear up this whole debate about whether my last meal was mushrooms or pork. Both sides have got it wrong. It was actually panda, imported from China. Man, that stuff just falls right off the bone," he added wistfully.
Asked about the widespread belief that he had passed away into permanent parinirvana, the Buddha looked around, leaned in close, and whispered, "Publicity stunt." Besides, he continued, he likes to lay low because people are always making demands of him. "I get prayers all day and all night. It's always someone like little Susy saying, 'Buddha, bring me a pony!' And I'm like, 'Listen kid, didn't you get the memo? I don't bring ponies. Geez, I left you people 84,000 dharma teachings--do you know how sore my throat got? When did anybody ever read the 'Prajnaparamita Here Have a Pony Sutra'? That's right, never. Sheesh, what does it take to get a point across to you people?" He took a swig of Diet Dr. Pepper.
I asked him if, being omniscient, he had any revelations about the future he'd like to share. "Don't worry about the future," he counseled, "just stick with the present moment." But after a moment a devilish grin crossed his face and he seemed to reconsider. "Okay, okay, I'll give you guys a little something. Y'all are never going to believe who the next Dalai Lama is gonna be." Pressed for more information, he just kept smiling and shaking his head. Finally he relented. "One hint: Did you ever see that movie last year, Mr. and Mrs. Smith? Nice looking couple. Well, do you think I'd go through so much effort to convert half of Hollywood for no reason?"
The Buddha said that he's been happy in his retirement. Right now he's watching a lot of American Idol, and he's been making regular trips to Louisiana to do Hurricane Katrina relief work. He's also been considering converting to Judaism. "There's this whole thing these days of JuBus, Jews who practice Buddhism. I kind of thought it's the least I could do to show my appreciation. Problem is, the damn yarmulke keeps sliding off my bald head."
At this point his companion, Amitabha, returned from the men's room. "Takes a while to go," he admitted. "Buddhas have a retracted penis in a sheath, didn't you know. It's one of the 32 marks. Anyway, you can imagine how that complicates things. Plus there's the whole robes issue." At this point it was time to end the interview, but Shakyamuni agreed to take one last question. Asked about how things were going in the Pure Land, he sighed. "Getting kind of crowded over there. But I've worked out a new time-share scheme which I think is really going to take off. You want some brochures? If you come to one of our sessions, you get a free TV."

Try telling that with Jesus or Mohammed as the central character in a room full of believers. (With a loaded gun to hand, of course; some of those believers can get testy when they think you're mocking their religion.) The difference is that a roomful of Buddhists (well, maybe not those whack jobs out of Sri Lanka, but I'm not convinced they're true believers, as opposed to being True Believers) would be laughing their asses off all the way through. I did, even upon rereading it just now. And that's what Zen Buddhism will get you, people; the ability to laugh at all this. And having been closer to death than most of you recently, laughing at it all is a requirement for making it through life, trust me.